Funny thing happens, repeatedly. From time to time, being confused of my identity and my role in life, I set out courageously to find work that will make tons of money. The funny thing is, every time I do. I learn, I practice, I am always being praised as a good listener and a bright learner. However, when it comes to making it happen, getting it done, taking the fruits of my labor, I simply become a fool. There is like a wall that prevents me from doing it. I thought, of course, something was wrong with me. Why can’t I make the sale? Why can’t I ask for and then take the money? Do I believe I am not worthy enough? Do I think money are evil?
At times, when I do get results, make the sale and bring home money, I realize two opposite feelings appear. First, pride and self-confidence which powered up a desire for more. Second, a sadness … I was longing for my dreaming and feeling days when my voice was soft and my only desire was to feel the moment more fully.
My pursuit for money came from a desire to help my husband. Little I knew, my absence from home brought more chaos in the home and my training courses equal money spent. Also, my husband never said he needed help with money-making. When I presented him the perspective of me potentially earning more than he is now, he thought “what will I do then? When it will be unnecessary to do what I know to do well?”
It isn’t easy to ignore the massive voice of mass consciousness that screams at you at every corner “what do you do for work? how much do you earn?” It isn’t easy to find the right answer that satisfies you fully!
I knew what I wanted. I wanted to feel good (wished that for my husband also). I wanted to dream. I wanted to connect with Nature. Fall in love with my husband all over again. Play with our kids. Grow vegetables and eat them straight out of my garden. Heal and enliven my family, my friends, my town. Well, that … all that … This is the work of a fully assumed role of a woman. So, no more money-making for me. That’s my husband’s role. I’ll stay a woman … eternally in love.